I dunno

I'm recovering from my butt exploding. I'm sitting here listening to music and don't really want to go to bed yet. I notice that's when I do most of my blogging. Yay for patterns.

I still don't have a job, but I'll be starting school in July. Once I'm in school, it should be at least a little easier to find a job. We'll see. I'm still trying. Gonna re-apply at best buy tomorrow. It's time for it anyway.

Stay tuned for a review of Kid Icarus: Uprising. I'll have to really get my thoughts together for that one.

Song to the Siren

I was about to go to bed when I realized that I hadn't posted anything here yet. Then I initially couldn't think of anything to write about. The only thing I have in my head right now is an epic song. But that's just as good a topic as any, right?

This song is Song to the Siren by Tim Buckley. It's a slightly mournful piece wrought with unfulfilled desire. Something that pretty much anyone can relate to. This isn't a new topic and will have countless different spins put on it before the earth ends. But this song hits it just right I think. I could write pages and pages of analytics on this piece of music, but I'm not going to. That does the art an injustice in my book. Just give it a listen and have it stir your own thoughts. Let it touch you the way that it will. It's always better that way. :D

Now...if only I could stop listening to it and go to bed......

Ponyo

I'm watching it for the first time in Japanese right now. It's more interesting this way so far. Except for the king of the sea guy. Liam Neeson's voice was better for that character I think. But yeah.

I'm suddenly really tired. I think it's a sugar crash from the two mountain dews I drank earlier. This was gonna be a longer post but I'm thinking I'll go to bed. Sleep is good for me, ya know.

progress...

Not much has been made really. But at the same time, I've come leaps and bounds. Life is weird like that. I know that as time passes I'll get over it. But I'll definitely never forget. I just hope it's not gonna be a major regret in my life, like so many other things. I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be. And I know how to make sure it isn't now. It just came to me.

I'm gonna be okay. I just have to make myself move and get there. That's the hard part I guess. It's not hard for everyone, but it is for me. Oh well. I'm not used to things being easy. If something was easy, I think I'd actually freak out more than I did here.

So that's pretty much it for now. Short and sweet. But I plan on starting up my daily blogging again. When I remember that is. :D

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space


I have this song on repeat right now. It pretty much sums up how I feel right now. It's by Blue October and you can listen to it here.

After watching the video I can see it having a different meaning from what I originally put into it. But that's the great thing about music. It can (and usually will) mean something totally different to everyone listening to it.

The main thing that attracted me to this song in the very beginning was the raw passion that I heard. Its something that isn't very common in music. Then I started listening to the lyrics and realized that this song delved deep into a facet of the human condition that isn't really ever handled well in my book. But this song handles this topic awesomely. And it really handles it the only way it can be handled: in music.

This song has touched my life in many ways. And in a way, I'm glad that I've actually gone through what is described in the song. I think I'm a better man for it. I hope I'm a better man for it.

Listen to it and feel free to share your thoughts on how the song makes you feel. :D

Man I Suck At This

So I should have posted something about the Riverside Lunar Festival show that I Co-Hosted on Jan 28th. I've been so distracted that I haven't even kept up with what I said I would do here. I mean...how hard is it to post something up every day? It's really not that hard.

Well, part of the reason that I haven't been doing it is that I clicked a bad link and messed up my computer. I ended up having to re-install windows. The whole thing was just a big fiasco that shouldn't have put my computer out of commission for two weeks like it did. But I finally got it taken care of. Now I just need to get myself a storage pocket to hold some data while I reconfigure my hard drives. It could just be a temporary pocket that I borrow from someone. Maybe I'll borrow Richard's external drive that I gave him. Maybe.

BIG NEWS! Everyday Sam is starting back up either this week or next week. Depends on how long it takes for me to get my login information from my hosting peeps over at Comic Genesis. Plus I need to re-arrange the pages. I don't like em. Never have, really. But getting the comics out have a higher priority than that and I can get them out while I'm working on that stuff anyway, so new comics will be happening soon! What will happen to Sam? Will he make it through his training? How will his friends react to his new job? Who knows what I'm talking about? If you know, that makes me very happy. It really does. If you don't know, the link is right at the beginning of this paragraph. It won't take long to read through. I promise. :D

The main reason for this? I have a copyright. Why am I NOT using it to make as much as I can?

And with that.....I'm done. I'm off to go work on some comics. :D MAN! It's been too long since I've said that.

New Hobby....kind of

So I've decided that I'm gonna make myself blog every day until new years next year. Why? I dunno. I feel the need. Maybe it'll make me a more interesting person. Maybe it'll make me a better communicator. We'll see what happens over the course of the year.

And since not everything is resolved just yet.....let's revisit what the police refer to as "The Incident".

I filed my report today. I didn't really want to at first because I know that I'm not gonna get any of that stuff back, but then a friend told me that I should and linked me to the website. I saw it as a really good idea at that point. Even though I'm not gonna get any of that stuff back, it's good to let the law people know what kind of stuff gets stolen. That's how all those spiffy, helpful statistics get made. So I put it in. I'm not getting my hopes up about getting anything back though.

I really wish they had left the socks. All the other stuff I'm over already, but I really needed those new socks.


Anyway, I dug out all my spare cards that I never really used last night and started looking through them. It was pretty therapeutic for me. I also realized that I didn't lose all of my good cards. I still have some really good ones. I'm actually working on a couple new decks now. They're gonna be really oldschool and cheap. They should be fun.

So yeah, that's gonna be my blog today. I'm going to bed.

Dear Thieves,

You upset me pretty bad. You took my BEST Christmas present. You took my most USEFUL Christmas present. You took the main part of my hobby that took YEARS of my life to assemble. You took my means of hydration that I was gonna use while working. I could sit here and be pissed about it. I could start living in fear because my security in life was broken. But I'm not gonna do either of those things. I'm not saying that I'm completely over it, but I'm getting there.

I could have really used those socks, but I don't absolutely NEED them. Those drinks would've made my days at work a lot easier, but I can get by with tap water. The plum wine would've been really delicious, but I don't need booze. You took the best parts of my nerdy hobby, but it's just a hobby. You took a few other things too. None of which were really NEEDED for me to continue on in my life.

So Merry Christmas you guys. I hope you're nerdy and/or savvy enough to appreciate what I gave you. Put it to good use and you'll be blessed. :D

Sincerely,

Samuel Wall

The Path of the Emo

Because apparently that's what I am. One event in which my friends upset me and I'm supposed to apologize to them. Sure I overreacted, but my feelings on the matter are still valid. Yet no one thinks this is so. So here I am on blogger venting about the whole thing. Because what the fuck else am I supposed to do about it.

Admittedly, I have a slight anger problem. There are times when my reactions are completely unwarranted. And people think that for some reason that makes the times when I'm validly upset not matter. "oh that's just sam. He gets mad easily." And that's the shit that made me this way in the first place. So will the cycle ever end? Probably not. Am I gonna kill myself over it? Hell no. It's not that bad. I'll go live as a hermit in the desert before I kill myself. That's actually sounding like a really good idea now. FUCK! Why the fuck don't I matter to anyone? Seriously. I never have. Not emotionally anyway. No one has ever given a fuck about how I feel. I don't even know why I bother. Seriously. I'd be happier alone I think. And people will read this and think that I don't want them in my life. Because no one actually LISTENS to what I'm saying. So for those of you that read this and want to say that I'm an asshole for saying these things, let me tell you what I'm actually saying.........

I WANT MY FRIENDS IN MY LIFE. I WANT MY FRIENDS TO ALSO CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND NOT JUST BRUSH IT OFF AS MY ANGER PROBLEMS. I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY FEELINGS ARE JUST AS REAL AS YOURS.

But will they get it? I dunno. I guess we'll see.

shifting priorites

you know how sometimes you start something thinking that it's what you want but then when your there and enjoying yourself, you realize that it's a really bad idea? I hit that place tonight. Do I regret doing everything I did? not really. should I keep doing it? probably not.

I changed my priorities thinking that my life would be amazing. It's not. Sure I'm enjoying all of it, but there is this little nagging doubt that's there the whole time. I tried shrugging it off and it's not going anywhere. So I'm changing my priorities again. Not back to what they were, but to what they should've been for a long time now.

Doing this I think will help me with EVERYTHING in my life. And doing this, if I stick to it, will make everything not needed in my life just drop off. Well, I might have to cut a few things off. But I don't really know yet. I'll probably know really soon though.

So, my new priorities in order:

1) GOD
If I don't have HIM first, then I'm gonna fuck up royally. Basically I need to ask myself, "Does this glorify GOD?" If the answer isn't YES, it's gotta go.
2) ME
I've got to start focusing on my WELL BEING. I've got to start selfishly seeking my good out. That doesn't mean doing what ever I want. That means doing EVERYTHING I need to do. Work out, eat right, go to church, etc.
3) CHURCH
I've GOTTA start helping out again. Somewhere.
4) GIRLFRIEND
If she's not on the list, I may as well be single, right?
5) Everything else.
It'll all fit in the right place as long as I keep the first four in the proper order.


I think I've made this list before. And if you look at the top of my blog, the spirit of it is reflected there. I just gotta stick with it. I really do.

thought vomit ad nauseum

I got fired from walgreens because I started swearing in front of customers. Stress got to me, I snapped, and the floodgates opened. It was a bad day all around. I was sunburned, so I was miserable from that. I had just had a day with a good friend where we started digging into each others nerves. So I felt bad about that too. With all this, there were the customers. Mobs and mobs of them. None of them really wanting to wait their turn. No one around to help me out. Equipment not working. Thoughts of throwing everything on the ground and smashing it all to bits. And then...SNAP. And it was over. I sounded like I belonged in a navy bunker or something. A lady got pissed about her 12 year old daughter being there and hearing it. A nice guy that had a little trouble understanding what I was talking about because I couldn't properly explain things due to my stressed brain. And a gaggle of other faceless people just trying to make their pictures pretty. It all culminated in me erupting with expletives. I can't blame anyone but myself for what happened. I was the one ultimately in control of what I did. I could get into the emotional elements that were there. I could talk about my history and how it had a huge hand in my reaction. But I know there's really nothing to blame except me. And that pisses me off. Because I can't always control myself. For a guy that's so big on handling things and training and whatnot, I really have no idea what it's like to be any of that.

I've never had control over anything in my life. And now that I'm in a spot where I have to control things, I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And that's another thing that pisses me off. I'm pissed off because I don't know how. And I'm pissed off because I feel like there's no one to teach me. And even though I KNOW there's plenty of people out there helping me to learn (my dad, friends at church, God) it still FEELS like I'm all alone in this. And I've felt like this almost my whole life. I'm sick of it. And I don't know how to get out of it. I really don't.

This isn't to say that I haven't made any progress. I can look at where I was two years ago and look at myself now, and I see that I've come a LONG way. But when I look at where I THINK I SHOULD be, I start feeling so depressed about my life. And that's another thing that's starting to piss me off about myself. I'm constantly looking at how things SHOULD be. And that's really a lie. I'm looking at how I WANT things to be. And the differences between that and how they ARE are so huge, that the only reaction to seeing it is to get depressed. I really need to stop doing that though. I think I'd be a lot healthier mentally and emotionally if I could just look at how things are and accept that. But saying that makes me also start thinking, "If I just accept it, where's the motivation to make things better?" And with that, that old prayer comes to mind:

Give me the courage to change the things I can
the grace to accept the things I can't
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I should really make that my mantra I think. I should also look up that whole prayer. should should should. I use that word a lot. I'm gonna take it out of my vocab for a while. Let's see what happens.

I feel a lot better after letting all that out here.

I guess it's time.

So, I haven't posted anything since Harry Potter 7. Not that there wasn't anything to post; there's a lot to post about. So at the beginning? Yeah.

1) I got fired from Walgreens.

I got mad, started swearing at the computer, and got four different complaints lodged against me. That's the short version. I may post the long version later if I feel like it.

2) I'm going back to school.

I will be majoring in Psychology. Possibly a minor is something else. I have a deep set desire to help people with issues, so I will pursue that.

3) I am now a sign twirler.

Though I don't really get to TWIRL the signs. I just stand out there on the corner and shove into people's faces. It's somewhat cathartic. I'm not entirely sure why.

4) I won free entry into a Yu-Gi-Oh event

I've been training alot. Trying to get myself up to tournament level. Not sure if I ever will be, but dag-gummit, I'm gonna try. Not sure why I care so much about winning at a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament, but I do.

And with that, I bid you all farewell. I'm off to do........something.

HP7!!!!!!!!!!!

It was very entertaining. Mainly because of the crowd in the theater.

Highlights:
-Ron and Hermione making out
-"Stupid girl!"
-"Who's is it now?" "Mine."

Lowlights:
-Fight scenes that were WAAAAAAYYYYY shorter than they should've been.
-Voldemort's face. eww.
-Stupid people clapping for things that you KNOW are gonna happen.

Yep. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 2. Watch it if you're a fan or if you've seen all the other movies. Otherwise, meh. Go see Winnie the Pooh.

what to do....

When you're sitting here and completely unmotivated, what do you do? You know you should be doing something productive, but at the same time, you don't see the point to it either. So you end up just sitting there being bored.

And that's where I'm at right now. My brain keeps reminding me about everything I COULD be doing but my psyche doesn't really see a point in any of it. And to that everyone says "Just do what you know you should be doing." It's that simple, isn't it?

Yes and no. Sure I could just start doing things. Laundry, applications, hobbies, etc. But if there's no motivation behind it, then usually nothing really actually happens. Anyhoo, that's where my head is at right now. Gotta get motivated somehow.

Man I'm "Fired" Up

It's time to get a new job. Not entirely voluntary, but that's okay. Some interesting things come up in my initial searchings for work.

The first is DamnINeedAJob.com. It's a fairly interesting concept. One that I like. One that would make me really consider giving someone a job if I was in the position to do the hiring. My friend says that it's a lame idea. I'm thinking about getting one of the shirts for myself.

The second is another interesting concept: Stop Looking So Hard. It's another idea that I like because I've realized first hand how true it is. So I'm not gonna give up completely, but I'm not gonna put all my energy into it either. Why do that when I can also put some time on bettering myself in other ways? There is one problem with this method though. It takes great mental and emotional strength to go through with it.

But the one thing I do know about all this is, the thing that gets you a job is face time. All the jobs I've ever had, I got them because I talked with someone face to face. You can do all the applications you want, but if you don't get any face time, then all that time is wasted. That's why I know that there is truth in both of these concepts.

So wish me luck. Pray if you feel led. I'm off to sleep and possibly have an answer appear in a dream. It could happen. :D

I'm BACK Baby!

so I'm online again. That means that pics of the new place will be going up soon. But not tonight. I'm too tired and in too much pain. I got to celebrate my new online status last night with a trip to the hospital. I stepped on a nail and it went through my shoe and into my foot. Good times. 300 dollars later, I'm hobbling around on crutches and trying not to cry too much. I'm hoping pandora will make me feel better. That and prescription pain killers. Probably some comics too. I have soooo many comics to catch up on. Missed a whole MONTH of comics man. Sucks.

So yeah. I'm gonna go pop some pills and relax with some music and such. I'll get some pics up some time before the end of the week, because I KNOW you're all waiting for them. ;D

Twice i had it. Twice

Twice i had it. Twice i had to give it up. I'm hoping for a third shot. Maybe i won't have to give it up that time.

If i can't get it

If i can't get it fixed tomorrow i'm calling charter.

No internet this weekend. Att

No internet this weekend. Att thinks that people don't need to set anything up on saturdays. Boo to that.

I should have internet service

I should have internet service when i get home from work tonight. Here's to hoping.