New Hobby....kind of

So I've decided that I'm gonna make myself blog every day until new years next year. Why? I dunno. I feel the need. Maybe it'll make me a more interesting person. Maybe it'll make me a better communicator. We'll see what happens over the course of the year.

And since not everything is resolved just yet.....let's revisit what the police refer to as "The Incident".

I filed my report today. I didn't really want to at first because I know that I'm not gonna get any of that stuff back, but then a friend told me that I should and linked me to the website. I saw it as a really good idea at that point. Even though I'm not gonna get any of that stuff back, it's good to let the law people know what kind of stuff gets stolen. That's how all those spiffy, helpful statistics get made. So I put it in. I'm not getting my hopes up about getting anything back though.

I really wish they had left the socks. All the other stuff I'm over already, but I really needed those new socks.


Anyway, I dug out all my spare cards that I never really used last night and started looking through them. It was pretty therapeutic for me. I also realized that I didn't lose all of my good cards. I still have some really good ones. I'm actually working on a couple new decks now. They're gonna be really oldschool and cheap. They should be fun.

So yeah, that's gonna be my blog today. I'm going to bed.

Dear Thieves,

You upset me pretty bad. You took my BEST Christmas present. You took my most USEFUL Christmas present. You took the main part of my hobby that took YEARS of my life to assemble. You took my means of hydration that I was gonna use while working. I could sit here and be pissed about it. I could start living in fear because my security in life was broken. But I'm not gonna do either of those things. I'm not saying that I'm completely over it, but I'm getting there.

I could have really used those socks, but I don't absolutely NEED them. Those drinks would've made my days at work a lot easier, but I can get by with tap water. The plum wine would've been really delicious, but I don't need booze. You took the best parts of my nerdy hobby, but it's just a hobby. You took a few other things too. None of which were really NEEDED for me to continue on in my life.

So Merry Christmas you guys. I hope you're nerdy and/or savvy enough to appreciate what I gave you. Put it to good use and you'll be blessed. :D

Sincerely,

Samuel Wall

The Path of the Emo

Because apparently that's what I am. One event in which my friends upset me and I'm supposed to apologize to them. Sure I overreacted, but my feelings on the matter are still valid. Yet no one thinks this is so. So here I am on blogger venting about the whole thing. Because what the fuck else am I supposed to do about it.

Admittedly, I have a slight anger problem. There are times when my reactions are completely unwarranted. And people think that for some reason that makes the times when I'm validly upset not matter. "oh that's just sam. He gets mad easily." And that's the shit that made me this way in the first place. So will the cycle ever end? Probably not. Am I gonna kill myself over it? Hell no. It's not that bad. I'll go live as a hermit in the desert before I kill myself. That's actually sounding like a really good idea now. FUCK! Why the fuck don't I matter to anyone? Seriously. I never have. Not emotionally anyway. No one has ever given a fuck about how I feel. I don't even know why I bother. Seriously. I'd be happier alone I think. And people will read this and think that I don't want them in my life. Because no one actually LISTENS to what I'm saying. So for those of you that read this and want to say that I'm an asshole for saying these things, let me tell you what I'm actually saying.........

I WANT MY FRIENDS IN MY LIFE. I WANT MY FRIENDS TO ALSO CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND NOT JUST BRUSH IT OFF AS MY ANGER PROBLEMS. I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY FEELINGS ARE JUST AS REAL AS YOURS.

But will they get it? I dunno. I guess we'll see.

shifting priorites

you know how sometimes you start something thinking that it's what you want but then when your there and enjoying yourself, you realize that it's a really bad idea? I hit that place tonight. Do I regret doing everything I did? not really. should I keep doing it? probably not.

I changed my priorities thinking that my life would be amazing. It's not. Sure I'm enjoying all of it, but there is this little nagging doubt that's there the whole time. I tried shrugging it off and it's not going anywhere. So I'm changing my priorities again. Not back to what they were, but to what they should've been for a long time now.

Doing this I think will help me with EVERYTHING in my life. And doing this, if I stick to it, will make everything not needed in my life just drop off. Well, I might have to cut a few things off. But I don't really know yet. I'll probably know really soon though.

So, my new priorities in order:

1) GOD
If I don't have HIM first, then I'm gonna fuck up royally. Basically I need to ask myself, "Does this glorify GOD?" If the answer isn't YES, it's gotta go.
2) ME
I've got to start focusing on my WELL BEING. I've got to start selfishly seeking my good out. That doesn't mean doing what ever I want. That means doing EVERYTHING I need to do. Work out, eat right, go to church, etc.
3) CHURCH
I've GOTTA start helping out again. Somewhere.
4) GIRLFRIEND
If she's not on the list, I may as well be single, right?
5) Everything else.
It'll all fit in the right place as long as I keep the first four in the proper order.


I think I've made this list before. And if you look at the top of my blog, the spirit of it is reflected there. I just gotta stick with it. I really do.

thought vomit ad nauseum

I got fired from walgreens because I started swearing in front of customers. Stress got to me, I snapped, and the floodgates opened. It was a bad day all around. I was sunburned, so I was miserable from that. I had just had a day with a good friend where we started digging into each others nerves. So I felt bad about that too. With all this, there were the customers. Mobs and mobs of them. None of them really wanting to wait their turn. No one around to help me out. Equipment not working. Thoughts of throwing everything on the ground and smashing it all to bits. And then...SNAP. And it was over. I sounded like I belonged in a navy bunker or something. A lady got pissed about her 12 year old daughter being there and hearing it. A nice guy that had a little trouble understanding what I was talking about because I couldn't properly explain things due to my stressed brain. And a gaggle of other faceless people just trying to make their pictures pretty. It all culminated in me erupting with expletives. I can't blame anyone but myself for what happened. I was the one ultimately in control of what I did. I could get into the emotional elements that were there. I could talk about my history and how it had a huge hand in my reaction. But I know there's really nothing to blame except me. And that pisses me off. Because I can't always control myself. For a guy that's so big on handling things and training and whatnot, I really have no idea what it's like to be any of that.

I've never had control over anything in my life. And now that I'm in a spot where I have to control things, I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And that's another thing that pisses me off. I'm pissed off because I don't know how. And I'm pissed off because I feel like there's no one to teach me. And even though I KNOW there's plenty of people out there helping me to learn (my dad, friends at church, God) it still FEELS like I'm all alone in this. And I've felt like this almost my whole life. I'm sick of it. And I don't know how to get out of it. I really don't.

This isn't to say that I haven't made any progress. I can look at where I was two years ago and look at myself now, and I see that I've come a LONG way. But when I look at where I THINK I SHOULD be, I start feeling so depressed about my life. And that's another thing that's starting to piss me off about myself. I'm constantly looking at how things SHOULD be. And that's really a lie. I'm looking at how I WANT things to be. And the differences between that and how they ARE are so huge, that the only reaction to seeing it is to get depressed. I really need to stop doing that though. I think I'd be a lot healthier mentally and emotionally if I could just look at how things are and accept that. But saying that makes me also start thinking, "If I just accept it, where's the motivation to make things better?" And with that, that old prayer comes to mind:

Give me the courage to change the things I can
the grace to accept the things I can't
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I should really make that my mantra I think. I should also look up that whole prayer. should should should. I use that word a lot. I'm gonna take it out of my vocab for a while. Let's see what happens.

I feel a lot better after letting all that out here.

I guess it's time.

So, I haven't posted anything since Harry Potter 7. Not that there wasn't anything to post; there's a lot to post about. So at the beginning? Yeah.

1) I got fired from Walgreens.

I got mad, started swearing at the computer, and got four different complaints lodged against me. That's the short version. I may post the long version later if I feel like it.

2) I'm going back to school.

I will be majoring in Psychology. Possibly a minor is something else. I have a deep set desire to help people with issues, so I will pursue that.

3) I am now a sign twirler.

Though I don't really get to TWIRL the signs. I just stand out there on the corner and shove into people's faces. It's somewhat cathartic. I'm not entirely sure why.

4) I won free entry into a Yu-Gi-Oh event

I've been training alot. Trying to get myself up to tournament level. Not sure if I ever will be, but dag-gummit, I'm gonna try. Not sure why I care so much about winning at a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament, but I do.

And with that, I bid you all farewell. I'm off to do........something.

HP7!!!!!!!!!!!

It was very entertaining. Mainly because of the crowd in the theater.

Highlights:
-Ron and Hermione making out
-"Stupid girl!"
-"Who's is it now?" "Mine."

Lowlights:
-Fight scenes that were WAAAAAAYYYYY shorter than they should've been.
-Voldemort's face. eww.
-Stupid people clapping for things that you KNOW are gonna happen.

Yep. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 2. Watch it if you're a fan or if you've seen all the other movies. Otherwise, meh. Go see Winnie the Pooh.