thought vomit ad nauseum

I got fired from walgreens because I started swearing in front of customers. Stress got to me, I snapped, and the floodgates opened. It was a bad day all around. I was sunburned, so I was miserable from that. I had just had a day with a good friend where we started digging into each others nerves. So I felt bad about that too. With all this, there were the customers. Mobs and mobs of them. None of them really wanting to wait their turn. No one around to help me out. Equipment not working. Thoughts of throwing everything on the ground and smashing it all to bits. And then...SNAP. And it was over. I sounded like I belonged in a navy bunker or something. A lady got pissed about her 12 year old daughter being there and hearing it. A nice guy that had a little trouble understanding what I was talking about because I couldn't properly explain things due to my stressed brain. And a gaggle of other faceless people just trying to make their pictures pretty. It all culminated in me erupting with expletives. I can't blame anyone but myself for what happened. I was the one ultimately in control of what I did. I could get into the emotional elements that were there. I could talk about my history and how it had a huge hand in my reaction. But I know there's really nothing to blame except me. And that pisses me off. Because I can't always control myself. For a guy that's so big on handling things and training and whatnot, I really have no idea what it's like to be any of that.

I've never had control over anything in my life. And now that I'm in a spot where I have to control things, I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And that's another thing that pisses me off. I'm pissed off because I don't know how. And I'm pissed off because I feel like there's no one to teach me. And even though I KNOW there's plenty of people out there helping me to learn (my dad, friends at church, God) it still FEELS like I'm all alone in this. And I've felt like this almost my whole life. I'm sick of it. And I don't know how to get out of it. I really don't.

This isn't to say that I haven't made any progress. I can look at where I was two years ago and look at myself now, and I see that I've come a LONG way. But when I look at where I THINK I SHOULD be, I start feeling so depressed about my life. And that's another thing that's starting to piss me off about myself. I'm constantly looking at how things SHOULD be. And that's really a lie. I'm looking at how I WANT things to be. And the differences between that and how they ARE are so huge, that the only reaction to seeing it is to get depressed. I really need to stop doing that though. I think I'd be a lot healthier mentally and emotionally if I could just look at how things are and accept that. But saying that makes me also start thinking, "If I just accept it, where's the motivation to make things better?" And with that, that old prayer comes to mind:

Give me the courage to change the things I can
the grace to accept the things I can't
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I should really make that my mantra I think. I should also look up that whole prayer. should should should. I use that word a lot. I'm gonna take it out of my vocab for a while. Let's see what happens.

I feel a lot better after letting all that out here.