Interesting....

So, I started looking at places to move to that are closer to work for me. Within ten minutes, I found three places that are ridiculously close to where I need to go for work. And they're pretty cheap, relatively speaking. So I'm gonna try and check those places out tomorrow after orientation. Let's hope they let me. And that I can find them. So we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

I said a few days ago that I needed to make a big move in my life. Then I got hired at Disneyland. And now I'm looking into moving out to Anaheim. It's all falling into place. Just like with culinary school. If the pattern continues, I'll be moving within the next couple weeks. Of course, if the pattern doesn't continue, I won't really be suprised either. We'll see.

Lord, grant me wisdom for my choices, strength against my struggles, faith against my doubts, and endurance in my trials. These are my requests that I lay before you boldly with a heart that's trying to be in the right place.

Pieces

You ever feel like you're holding a bunch of pieces of something, but you're not equipped to put them all together?

God, why is it that I see such similarities between myself and Major figures of the bible? Why is it that I know exactly what Paul is speaking of whenever he describes something about himself? Why is it that my name-sake's story and mine are the same? Why is it that everything David talks about is something that I talk about? Am I called to lead, as they were? Or is it all coincidence? And if I'm called to that, what am I supposed to lead? Who? All these questions, God, and yet, I know not to really worry about any of it.

I have a bunch of pieces right now. And I collect more on a near daily basis. I don't know what to do with all of them. But I'll figure it out. That's why God gave me this brain of mine. A brain that knows I probably can't do it all by myself. A brain that knows to seek out assistance. A brain that is always working on something.

I'm taking that job at Disneyland. A lot of things keep coming to mind that tell me I should look for something else. Things like money, driving, gas, time, etc. But when all that stuff clears out, during those brief moments where all those practicalities vanish, I have a deep peace about this job. So I'm taking it. No more thinking about it. If a thought comes up that suggests I should get a different job, I'm gonna say, "Nope. God put me here for some reason. I ain't leaving until I figure it out." Because I know he totally did. And I'll leave you tonight with this thought:

Some pieces you'll use. Some pieces you'll lose.
Just listen to God, and He'll help you choose.

what to do......

So, I'll be cleaning my kitchen tomorrow.  But after that, I don't really have anything to do for Thursday or Friday.  And I don't have money for gas to go anywhere.  Perhaps I'll go hardcore like I did a few weeks ago and read two books of the bible.  I dunno.  I do know that I need some serious God/Samuel time.

Typing out one's problems on a keyboard and posting to a web log such as this really seems sad sometimes.  But, at the same time there are some big benefits to it.  First, it can really help the author think things through and find more viable solutions to life situations that come up.  Second, it can really inspire some people to actually start working on their own issues.  It can also help them to start thinking about others even.  Third, it can really comfort some people that might read it and discover that they're not going through somthing alone.  All these examples I've pulled from my own experience.

I saw an interesting quote today.  "Don't have a mind so open that your brains fall out."   I thought that was amusing.  It's completely true.  So I'll leave you guys with that for tonight.  YAY!  Sam has a job now.

hoorah?

I got hired at disneyland. I don't know if I should be happy about that yet. I mean, it's a job, and I need a job, but there's definitely going to be issues I'll have to deal with while there.  And I can't share any of what goes on there with anyone because it's technically against the rules.  I don't think that'll stop me though.  I'm one for ranting if something really bugs me.  But you guys know this already.

Any idea I have while working is theirs.  That piece of intellectual property belongs to disney.  So I won't think too much while there.  YAY!  Like that'll happen.

I'm gonna leave now so that I don't say something that gets me fired before I even start.

tired and solemn

I don't know why my mood switched in such a way. I was sitting there listening to the sermon, and laughing at the funny parts. And at the end we did our ending prayer like we usually do. At the end of this prayer, I felt like I got hit in the chest with a baseball bat. All these things that I've ran into in my life started surfacing again. All these different people that I've met. All these desires that I've had. I've just got this feeling that I need to be doing more than I am. I don't know how to step it up though. I've a feeling I'll be moving soon though. How exactly I'll be moving, I don't know. But I can sense a big move coming up in my life. Or maybe it's just me realizing that I need to make a big move happen. I don't know. Hopefully something will happen this week. I sense that it can. If I assert myself and really focus on God.


Shell, shell
you are my friend.

Shell, shell
you are my end.

If I stay with you
I cannot grow.

For you don't know
where I should go.

Shell, shell
You've saved me from a lot of pain.

Shell, shell
you've kept me dry from all the rain

But rain is what
I need right now.

A cleansing torrent
upon my brow.

I know not where I will go
My faith is in His Power though

And with His love and guidance plenty
I shall become who I should be

Shell, shell
this is my vow.

Shell, shell
I leave you now.

Confession Time

I started playing a game at about 2am.  I just finished up about ten minutes ago.  So I played that game for 10 1/2 hours.  I didn't get up.  I didn't even move much in my chair.  Now, you don't have to tell me that was a stupid thing to do.  I know this already.

So now I'm deciding between sleep or a decent, workable schedule.  I figure I'll stay up and go for the decent workable schedule.  That means that I MUST stay awake until I go to bed for the evening.  And I'll need to go to bed early.

I wanna go to the beach tomorrow!  It's impossible for me to protray how much I want this to happen.  So i'm gonna try and make it happen.  If ya'll wanna go, call me.  And if you don't have my number and you want to go with me, I'm sorry.  We'll have to figure something out for the future.   Until then, have a good day.

Hunting and Comics

So I got inspired today to start working on my comic again.  I'm thinking that as soon as I'm done with this post, I'll finish drawing this next page.  I don't remember where my script book is, so I'll have to re-create most of the story for this arc.  I remember what the basic premise was and what the purpose was, but the rest is all kind of choppy and vague.

I'll be applying at a restaurant to be a waiter on monday.  I've been thinking that I should focus more on getting a job at a restaurant the past couple days.  Even if the job isn't in the kitchen, I should get a job in a restaurant.  So I'm gonna go around tomorrow to restaurants and apply.  Hopefully I'll find some that are actually hiring.

I'm done with the other aspects of my life right now.  I got so fed up the other day.  So don't bring it up if you see me.  Don't ask, don't pry.  I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I need a break.

If you see me and I seem cold and detached, I probably am.  So help me out a bit and warm up to me a bit.  Don't be harsh because that'll just drive me further.  Kind friends are very good things right now.

How much should I care?

I realize that I should care more about some things than others.  But right now, I'm on a dangerous slope.  If I'm not careful with my decisions here, I'll slip into not caring mode and be there for a while.  I don't want that to happen.  If  don't care, then things can turn ugly really fast.  I don't want things to turn ugly.

And I've upset a friend of mine, yet AGAIN.  I just thought I'd offer some advice that's given to us in the Bible, but perhaps I still have that dang plank stuck in my eye.  Most people would think you'd notice a plank coming out of your face, but I can be a rather dense person at times and it's possible that I'm completely oblivious to it.  and with that, I go to bed.  sleep is what Samuel needs most right now.

friends and formless thoughts

I've been running from everything all day today.  I'm not sure why I did this.  I knew all along that I would stop by the end of the day and come back to God, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Then I got a phone call.  It was a phone call from someone that I really didn't want to talk to.  Oddly enough, even while what she was saying was aggrevating me to the max, it still put a lot of things in perspective for me.  Gotta love life's little ironies.  I would've laughed if I hadn't been in such a foul mood.  God works in weird ways sometimes.

Tomorrow, I get up at seven.  I get clean, dressed, shaved, and then I go find work.  That is step one.  Step two, I don't know yet.  I figure it'll come to me when it's time to take it.  I lack the ability to plan things out.  Well, not really.  I can plan things out, but I'm not good at it.  When ever I make plans, things change thus nullifying my planned-out steps.  So, for me, I just live life one step at a time.  Some people say that's not smart, I should plan for my future.  To that, I say, I don't know the future, so I'll just live today and deal with the future when it gets here.  That's possibly why people don't want to hire me.  I look at everything as being so specific to each situation.  I can't make a general plan or statement about anything because generalities usually don't fit in my life.  I get the weird cases.  I get the one-in-a-million long shot situations.  And I get a lot of everyday stupid moments as well.  My brain is wired to work this way.  So I figure I'll write this down on some paper, laminate it, and take it with me to every interview I go to from now on.  This is a good idea.

holy.......

Deep thoughts tonight.  Some serious things to consider.  Seriously HEAVY things.  I'm not sure how much to put down.  I could just put it all down.  I always debate with myself about this.  Even though a while back I made a vow to put everything.  I guess I'll just make it blunt tonight.   I don't feel like using my brain to make it vague.

A) I've totally been cheating on God for the past week.  It makes me feel lower than dirt.  Pray for me please.

B) I've been issed yet another challenge.  Am I willing to give up my right to a wife?  I don't know if that's where my life is going, but it's a question that I definitely need to find the answer to.

C) I have a list of Females i my head.  And I periodically scroll through it.  This happens involuntarily.  It's rather insane.  So many beautiful smiles.

One is definitely out for good now, though.  So that's a bit of a plus.  Although, things can change.  I mean, lots of time will pass before I act on anything again.  There's so much to learn in this category of life.  So much to consider.  I wish my brain wasn't so tainted by all the crap I've put in there.  Maybe I should do a media fast.  And just stick to doing my email once a day.  I dunno.  I do know that it's all frustrating.  And why don't I put all this thoughtful energy into talking with God?  Why?

Then there's the fact that I need a frickin job.  Screw career.  I need cash flow.  I'm gonna try a place in the morning.  And there's a job fair that I'm going to on thursday.  And then there's something on the 19th that might pan out into something.  God I need something.  I know that you'll take care of me, but I don't see how right now and it's really frustrating to the point of draining my energies.

Then there's my book that I'm planning.  I should work on that in my spare time, too.  And I have a lot of spare time lately.  Maybe that's why I'm jobless.  I dunno.  Anyhoo, I'm gonna go to bed.  I'm tired.

The big W-H-Y?

I had a plan to write about all these questions that I have about life.  But as I started writing, only one remained in my head.  Why did I hurt me knee?  I mean, when I hurt it, I didn't do anything different from what I usually did in those situations.  All I did was squat down for a couple minutes and then stand back up.  So why did the cartilage rip?  I've entertained the idea that this is my thorn to keep me reliant on God.  I don't know if this is the case or if it's just an instance of "shit happens".  I'm really tired for some reason.  So I'm gonna go to bed.  I'm sure I'll rant about my knee in the future.  Laters.
Some amusement for you.

Life in the shallow end

So I woke up today and had some thoughts. I had thoughts about my job situation. I had thoughts about my relationships. I had thoughts about life in general. As I was lying in my bed thinking, a big idea floated to the top of everything else. That thought was very inviting and tempting. What if I just stopped caring about everything? What if I stopped trying to build deep, meaningful relationships with people? What if I stopped looking for a job and just moved myself out into the streets? What if I stopped trying to better myself as a human being and just got away from everything? I liked the idea. I really did. Then another one came up. That life would suck.

I mean, if I were to do all that, I wouldn't have any friends. I wouldn't get a chance to help people. I would never again get a sense of accomplishment. And I would probably stink really bad. So I threw the idea out. It's not worth it. So now I struggle on. But the struggle is worth it. The srtuggle bears friut. It may happen slowly, but stuff actually happens with the struggle. If you don't face it, nothing will ever happen. So I leave the shallow end and swim out to the deep end. I may not be the best of swimmers, but I can certainly accomplish more here than where my feet touch bottom.

Are you blogging this?

We all make use of Web2.0 on a daily basis and possibly aren't aware of it at all. Some of you who read this might wonder what Web2.0 is. To that I say, Wikipedia. Not only will you find the answer there, but it IS the answer. I just found it to be interesting. Plus there's a spiffy music video I found that explains it all. Enjoy.

Friends at last

I saw it coming yesterday.  And I had a feeling about it from the start.  But it's all good.  Things are worked out on that portion of life now.  YAY!

Now, what to do with the rest of me?  I send up my call, oh Lord.  And await your perfect answer.

I have some options now.   And which to choose is the big thing now.  Where to go?  What to do?  I talked with my dad this morning.  I have some places to check out tomorrow.  I'll go in and apply.  Then come home and look for some more.  But the talk with my dad opened up another option that's looking REALLY good right now.  If I were to join the air force, I could get assigned to kitchen work and never have to really worry about going to the lines.  I could serve my years and then get my degree with the GI Bill.  If I plan it right, I'd have my degree within 7 years of joining.  Now, is it worth it?  Is it God's will?  Would it be a smart decision for me to make?  These things I don't know.  So I'll be praying heavily on these topics in the weeks to come.  Something needs to happen though.  I have to start paying back my loans in a month.  So, yeah.  That's the major thing on my mind right now.  Why is it that these things really only start stressing me when the deadline is breathing down my neck?  I dunno.  Perhaps that's a good thing.  Good night.  I need to sleep.

Falsehood vs. not knowing

Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiveness of others.  Forgiveness of self.  Wanting a guilty feeling is not right.  Even in pain, that right must be given up.  When balance is achieved, life shifts.  The game is restarted.  The quest, set back.

I think I know the solution to my scenario.  I walk into the control room of the building.  And I give them my pot of curry.  Then I stay there to feed them while the person they kidnapped goes free.  That's one possability.  Another, I give them the curry and then leave with the hope that they set the captive free.  Nah.  Here's what can be done.  As I'm walking down the corridor, I pray that the captive is released with no harm done.  I can have faith that it will happen.  What happens to me doesn't matter much in the scenario.  Why is that?  I don't know.  I may never know.

As I'm typing, I'm starting to turn numb to all of this.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It's probably a bad thing.  Or at least a sign of something bad that is happening.  I don't know.  My desire for hermit-ness is increasing.  Economics.  The art of choosing one thing over other things.  What's important?  What's needed?  What's wanted?  And now for the depression to set in.  Why am I so depressing when I type?  Perhaps it is because of this whole messy thing.  I really want to light the match and be done.  There's a metaphore there that I didn't fully intend.  Perhaps I did on a subconscious level.  I don't know.

On a lighter note, I actually have something to do with my life tomorrow.  I have six places to go and apply to.  Nothing is beneath me right now.  I'll take what ever I can.  I'll restock socks.  I'll clean toilets.  With my bare hands.  I had to do that once.  Once you get past the fact that it's a toilet, it's not bad at all.  I had a good poo yesterday.  It was glorious.  But I'm sure no one wants to hear about it.  Or read about it.  Or....whatever about it.  Why are people so put off when I tell them that I have to go to the bathroom?  I'm just saying where I'm going.  And if the situation is bad, then what I'll be doing there will come out.  Which shouldn't really matter at all, because we ALL do it.  So if I say I have to pee or poo, you shouldn't get grossed out or anything.  You'll have to do it at some point too.  And on that lighter note, I'll head out.  Peace Y'all.