You ever get lonely for

You ever get lonely for no good reason? Its been happening to me a lot lately. I wish i had a bible here.

WOW

So I am now living on my own away from the parental units for the very first time in my life. No one over my shoulder telling me what to do all the fricking time. It's rather nice. Of course it was all those years that drilled into me what I SHOULD do, so I pretty much stick to that.

So yeah, I have a utility in my name. It makes me feel rather weird when I sit and think about it. It's like I HAVE to grow up now. I don't have a choice anymore. And I really like that feeling. I don't really feel like I'm ready for it, but I know that I can do it if I just buckle down and do what I gotta do. So yeah.

I'll also just signed up for a relational development group. It's designed to help people really grow and deal with their issues. And that's something that I need to do really badly. I'm willing to bet tears will be shed in the process. One can hope anyway.

So yeah that's about it in life right now. No major thoughts on anything really. I'll check y'all later.

Have fun.

So I'll be switching schools.

So I'll be switching schools. UOP Has been good for getting me started on school again but its time to start real school again.

I don't know how i'd

I don't know how i'd handle my existential crisis without my relationship with god secured by my savior.

the quiet hum of fans

So it's 4:30 am and I'm tired. I'm awake because I got home from work and got really uptight because I needed to complete a research paper and turn it in. I didn't need to turn it in for the grade. I needed to turn it in to keep myself from being dropped from the class.

I didn't get the paper done in time, so I didn't turn anything in, thus leading to my "auto-drop" from the course. So I don't know what's gonna happen with me on that front. And it's this uncertainty that is keeping me awake. I tried some reading: no luck with mental relaxation. Games: never really relax my mind. Talking with people: helps quite a bit. But no one's on at this time of night. So here I am posting a blog.

And I'm starting to get heavy eyes now as I keep yammering on about this particular subject. Which I guess is good, because it means that I should be able to go to sleep now if I try.

I've been spending a lot of my time looking for a place to live. I found one about a week ago and I'm slotted to move in on the 1st. It'll be a roomate situation and I'm wondering how it's gonna work out. We haven't entirely come up with a way to divide the rent. With one person sleeping in the living room, it'll be an uneven division of rent because of privacy issues.

cue tired rambling. YAY! blogging is doing what it's supposed to be doing. Of course this is why I don't attract nor keep readers. Because I usually talk about the same thing over and over or it's just random babble about being tired/stressed.

the feeling of defeat consumes me right now. And so I resign to my bed for sleep. maybe it'll put things in perspective?

I only get 160 characters

I only get 160 characters when i use my phone though so i might have to start using shorthand so i can say more in less space.

I can Blog From my

I can Blog From my phone so why don't i Blog more? The formatting sucks but i can still update people on things.

so....it's been a while.

I finally got my own computer back up and running, so now I'm typing this with my ergo keyboard and listening to the hum of my familiar fans. it's kind of weird that this is comforting to me.

I've come to the realization that I'm not as emo as I was in the past and therefore have not as much need for an outlet such as this. It's good to keep around though, so don't go expecting for this little bit of the internet to dissappear. I do get moments where I feel the need to type something out and get it out of my head.

One of those moments is now....kind of. I've had so much history with being introverted because of lack of friends and/or lack of opportunities to go out with friends. But now that has changed and I am very much the "HEY! Let's go party!" type. I'm not good at getting the parties together, but I'm totally down for going to one. But then I still think to myself, "am I just over compensating? Am I still hiding who I really am?" The answer, of course, is that I don't really know. Something tells me that I'm not being who I'm supposed to be, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my extro/introvertedness. I still very much like to have my quiet reflective moments where I don't do anything but sit there and think about my life. Those moments don't happen as much as they used to though. I used to complain all the time about living life in my head and not in "the real world". Now it's almost like the opposite. I spend so much time out and about with people that I don't really ever have time to be alone and let my mind process through everything. Where is the balance? Why is it so hard for me to find? Even though I just had five straight days off of work, only one of them was truely restful. maybe I just need to learn to say no to free time activities so that I have time to sit and contemplate my life. I did learn how to say no so that I could get my homework done, now I just need to transfer that skill over to my "contemplation time".

Until next time, my friends, have fun.