friends and formless thoughts

I've been running from everything all day today.  I'm not sure why I did this.  I knew all along that I would stop by the end of the day and come back to God, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Then I got a phone call.  It was a phone call from someone that I really didn't want to talk to.  Oddly enough, even while what she was saying was aggrevating me to the max, it still put a lot of things in perspective for me.  Gotta love life's little ironies.  I would've laughed if I hadn't been in such a foul mood.  God works in weird ways sometimes.

Tomorrow, I get up at seven.  I get clean, dressed, shaved, and then I go find work.  That is step one.  Step two, I don't know yet.  I figure it'll come to me when it's time to take it.  I lack the ability to plan things out.  Well, not really.  I can plan things out, but I'm not good at it.  When ever I make plans, things change thus nullifying my planned-out steps.  So, for me, I just live life one step at a time.  Some people say that's not smart, I should plan for my future.  To that, I say, I don't know the future, so I'll just live today and deal with the future when it gets here.  That's possibly why people don't want to hire me.  I look at everything as being so specific to each situation.  I can't make a general plan or statement about anything because generalities usually don't fit in my life.  I get the weird cases.  I get the one-in-a-million long shot situations.  And I get a lot of everyday stupid moments as well.  My brain is wired to work this way.  So I figure I'll write this down on some paper, laminate it, and take it with me to every interview I go to from now on.  This is a good idea.

holy.......

Deep thoughts tonight.  Some serious things to consider.  Seriously HEAVY things.  I'm not sure how much to put down.  I could just put it all down.  I always debate with myself about this.  Even though a while back I made a vow to put everything.  I guess I'll just make it blunt tonight.   I don't feel like using my brain to make it vague.

A) I've totally been cheating on God for the past week.  It makes me feel lower than dirt.  Pray for me please.

B) I've been issed yet another challenge.  Am I willing to give up my right to a wife?  I don't know if that's where my life is going, but it's a question that I definitely need to find the answer to.

C) I have a list of Females i my head.  And I periodically scroll through it.  This happens involuntarily.  It's rather insane.  So many beautiful smiles.

One is definitely out for good now, though.  So that's a bit of a plus.  Although, things can change.  I mean, lots of time will pass before I act on anything again.  There's so much to learn in this category of life.  So much to consider.  I wish my brain wasn't so tainted by all the crap I've put in there.  Maybe I should do a media fast.  And just stick to doing my email once a day.  I dunno.  I do know that it's all frustrating.  And why don't I put all this thoughtful energy into talking with God?  Why?

Then there's the fact that I need a frickin job.  Screw career.  I need cash flow.  I'm gonna try a place in the morning.  And there's a job fair that I'm going to on thursday.  And then there's something on the 19th that might pan out into something.  God I need something.  I know that you'll take care of me, but I don't see how right now and it's really frustrating to the point of draining my energies.

Then there's my book that I'm planning.  I should work on that in my spare time, too.  And I have a lot of spare time lately.  Maybe that's why I'm jobless.  I dunno.  Anyhoo, I'm gonna go to bed.  I'm tired.

The big W-H-Y?

I had a plan to write about all these questions that I have about life.  But as I started writing, only one remained in my head.  Why did I hurt me knee?  I mean, when I hurt it, I didn't do anything different from what I usually did in those situations.  All I did was squat down for a couple minutes and then stand back up.  So why did the cartilage rip?  I've entertained the idea that this is my thorn to keep me reliant on God.  I don't know if this is the case or if it's just an instance of "shit happens".  I'm really tired for some reason.  So I'm gonna go to bed.  I'm sure I'll rant about my knee in the future.  Laters.
Some amusement for you.

Life in the shallow end

So I woke up today and had some thoughts. I had thoughts about my job situation. I had thoughts about my relationships. I had thoughts about life in general. As I was lying in my bed thinking, a big idea floated to the top of everything else. That thought was very inviting and tempting. What if I just stopped caring about everything? What if I stopped trying to build deep, meaningful relationships with people? What if I stopped looking for a job and just moved myself out into the streets? What if I stopped trying to better myself as a human being and just got away from everything? I liked the idea. I really did. Then another one came up. That life would suck.

I mean, if I were to do all that, I wouldn't have any friends. I wouldn't get a chance to help people. I would never again get a sense of accomplishment. And I would probably stink really bad. So I threw the idea out. It's not worth it. So now I struggle on. But the struggle is worth it. The srtuggle bears friut. It may happen slowly, but stuff actually happens with the struggle. If you don't face it, nothing will ever happen. So I leave the shallow end and swim out to the deep end. I may not be the best of swimmers, but I can certainly accomplish more here than where my feet touch bottom.

Are you blogging this?

We all make use of Web2.0 on a daily basis and possibly aren't aware of it at all. Some of you who read this might wonder what Web2.0 is. To that I say, Wikipedia. Not only will you find the answer there, but it IS the answer. I just found it to be interesting. Plus there's a spiffy music video I found that explains it all. Enjoy.

Friends at last

I saw it coming yesterday.  And I had a feeling about it from the start.  But it's all good.  Things are worked out on that portion of life now.  YAY!

Now, what to do with the rest of me?  I send up my call, oh Lord.  And await your perfect answer.

I have some options now.   And which to choose is the big thing now.  Where to go?  What to do?  I talked with my dad this morning.  I have some places to check out tomorrow.  I'll go in and apply.  Then come home and look for some more.  But the talk with my dad opened up another option that's looking REALLY good right now.  If I were to join the air force, I could get assigned to kitchen work and never have to really worry about going to the lines.  I could serve my years and then get my degree with the GI Bill.  If I plan it right, I'd have my degree within 7 years of joining.  Now, is it worth it?  Is it God's will?  Would it be a smart decision for me to make?  These things I don't know.  So I'll be praying heavily on these topics in the weeks to come.  Something needs to happen though.  I have to start paying back my loans in a month.  So, yeah.  That's the major thing on my mind right now.  Why is it that these things really only start stressing me when the deadline is breathing down my neck?  I dunno.  Perhaps that's a good thing.  Good night.  I need to sleep.

Falsehood vs. not knowing

Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiveness of others.  Forgiveness of self.  Wanting a guilty feeling is not right.  Even in pain, that right must be given up.  When balance is achieved, life shifts.  The game is restarted.  The quest, set back.

I think I know the solution to my scenario.  I walk into the control room of the building.  And I give them my pot of curry.  Then I stay there to feed them while the person they kidnapped goes free.  That's one possability.  Another, I give them the curry and then leave with the hope that they set the captive free.  Nah.  Here's what can be done.  As I'm walking down the corridor, I pray that the captive is released with no harm done.  I can have faith that it will happen.  What happens to me doesn't matter much in the scenario.  Why is that?  I don't know.  I may never know.

As I'm typing, I'm starting to turn numb to all of this.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It's probably a bad thing.  Or at least a sign of something bad that is happening.  I don't know.  My desire for hermit-ness is increasing.  Economics.  The art of choosing one thing over other things.  What's important?  What's needed?  What's wanted?  And now for the depression to set in.  Why am I so depressing when I type?  Perhaps it is because of this whole messy thing.  I really want to light the match and be done.  There's a metaphore there that I didn't fully intend.  Perhaps I did on a subconscious level.  I don't know.

On a lighter note, I actually have something to do with my life tomorrow.  I have six places to go and apply to.  Nothing is beneath me right now.  I'll take what ever I can.  I'll restock socks.  I'll clean toilets.  With my bare hands.  I had to do that once.  Once you get past the fact that it's a toilet, it's not bad at all.  I had a good poo yesterday.  It was glorious.  But I'm sure no one wants to hear about it.  Or read about it.  Or....whatever about it.  Why are people so put off when I tell them that I have to go to the bathroom?  I'm just saying where I'm going.  And if the situation is bad, then what I'll be doing there will come out.  Which shouldn't really matter at all, because we ALL do it.  So if I say I have to pee or poo, you shouldn't get grossed out or anything.  You'll have to do it at some point too.  And on that lighter note, I'll head out.  Peace Y'all.