I need to wake up in four hours

So this'll be short because I need to get a shower and go to sleep.  Life is........still insane right now.  I know a few things, but for the most part, it's still insane.  I want to jump in, but I can't.  If I do, it'll mess things up.  It'll cause fouls in a game that already has enough.  So I sit on the side.  I encourage.  I advise.  And although I want it to be for me, I know that I can't do it for me.  I have to do it for her.  So I must deny myself minute-by-minute.  It's hard.  It's tiring.  And sometimes it hurts.  But for the glory of God, all pain is nothing.  Sacrifice is nothing compared to His glory.  Therefore I press on, denying, encouraging, advising.  Glory to God in the highest.  Praise be to the Lord.

Glorious clarity!

So things are clear now, and I'm very glad that they are.  And I can deal with how it all ended up.  No regrets about what we went through.  None.  I'm a bit bummed about where we ended up, but I'm so glad that it's clear now.  My gladness about the clarity outweighs my bummed-ness by quite a lot.

It hit the fan

I feel like just making a list of words that fit the occasion.  But then no one would know what the heck I'm talking about.  So then I ask myself "how much detail should I put in here for the world to see?"  Then I remember something I promised  a while ago.  I would be real.  So the following takes place between Saterday, April 21, 2007 12:00pm and Thursday, April 26, 11:59pm.

I'm at the Anime Expo BBQ and not digging the music.  So, I pull the CD out and hand it to the person standing on my right.  I notice that it's a female, but that's about it.  I'm quite focused on finding better music.  I come back with my tunes and put 'em in and crank it.  WOOT!  Party time!  "Do I still need to hold this?"  OH!  No.  So I grab the CD from her and put it in a safe place.  "Hi!  I'm Sam.  Well, actually, I'm changing it up and accepting my real name now, so call me Samuel."  "I'm......"  I don't remember.  I continue hanging out at the grill smelling the glorious meat.  I get to finally eat some.  MMMMMMMMMM.   What?  A game?  I'm SO down with this.  What?  Oh.  It's a game to help us learn names.  Crap.  I'm gonna lose.  Oh well.  Let's see how long I can make it.  Oh.  It's that girl standing next to me.  "What's your name?"  "Megan."  Ah.  "and that is.......Chris.  OK."  "I'm Samuel.  And this guy is Sam, so we're gonna use that to help us win."  Dang, I gotta move because we're both Sam.  "BANG!"  Dang.  We're both out.  Oh well.  Time for more tunes and grub and talk.  So I go back to the grill area and switch the song because the grill master said it was too slow for grilling.  I had to agree.  I pull up a chair with some people and we talk about stuff I don't know too much about as is the usual.  I don't know how long I'm there.  I eat some more good food.  MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.  What?  Dodge Ball?  I'm THERE!  So I head out to the field and there she is again.  "Hello.  You are...........Megan."  "Good job."  Oh.  They're picking team captains.  Okay.  Okay I'm on this team.  SCORE!  She's on my team.  A few good hits.  Eight games.  Sweet!  She's on my team each time.  WOW!  We didn't lose any games.  Why was on the winning team?  I dunno.  But it's cool.  "Wow.  You look like you got a nasty sunburn there on your neck."  "I think it's because I keep rubbing there."  "That could do it too."  Last game.  Sweet.  We win AGAIN.  Yeah.  Dang my knee hurts.  I sit and talk some more with some other people about stuff I don't know much about.  I get a drink.  I see her sitting at a table.  I go to sit across from her.  "I wouldn't sit there if I were you."  "Oh.  Yeah."  Sweet!  That means I'll sit by her.  So I sit and we have conversation.  I wish Derrick would leave.  I wish he wouldn't say that to her.  Candid Shot!  I get up for some reason.  I don't know.  Something to do with food I think.  Either that or orientation.  Blah de blah.  I intro myself.  "I feed you so be nice to me."  Blah de blah.  Swag time.  I jump in line right behind her.  "What's this line for?"  "I'm not sure."  "Oof.  I'm squished."  Nice.  But be careful.  Picture time.  There she is.  Let's get next to her.  Nice.  Time to go.  Where is she.  "bye bye Megan"  Hugs.  "Look me up on MySpace."  Drive home.  Thinking about someone else all the way there.  Get home.  Add her to my friends without really knowing why.  Go to bed.

Wake up EARLY.  Gotta be there early to set everything up and be ready on time for once.  Set up.  Check.  Show.  Free time.  MySpace.  Goof around.  New messege.  "I see you online."  Hmmm....what to do.....  Goof some more.  new messege.  "Call me you goof!"  Save number.  Dunno why.  Just in case, I guess.  Pipeline over.  Not hungry.  UGH.  donuts.  Go to gym.  Sleep.  Glorious sleep.  I wake up and I'm still not very hungry.  Oh.  Banana and muffin.  Perfect.  Church.  Friends.  Fun.  Chipotle.  Good times.  Plan a lunch for tuesday.  Sweet.  Go home.  Tired.  Get home and add her to all my messenger services.  Sign in.  Not on.  GO to bed.

Wake up.  Not much done.  Call from chick-fil-a.  SWEET!  Interview.  At four.  Get dressed.  go to interview and Chik-fil-a then to interview at Starbucks.  Score.  Wait.  neither seemed very hopeful.  Oh well. Move along.  Get home and eat something.  Get online and check the sites.  sign into messengers.  She's on.  "yo"  "hey"  Conversation ensues.  Some heavy conversation.  Some light conversation.  mostly heavy though.  "why are we talking on here when you have my number?"  "I don't know."  I log out and shut down and call her.  We talk.  A lot.  About a lot.  "What are you doing tomorrow night?"  "Nothing"  "Wanna go out?"  "Sure"  "Sweet"  Finish up.  Go to bed.

Wake up in time to be ready for lunch.  Change of plans.  I'm picking her up early.  Okay.  Rush to Ontario.  Wait to pick her up.  She gets in and we go.  We get there around three.  "hey guys.  sorry about that."  greg:"who's that?"  "a friend.  Maybe more.  I dunno."  Conversation at subway.  Lovely image of worms coming out of a porkchop.  Greg leaves.  Daniel leaves.  We leave.  I show her around town and point out some of my childhood landmarks.  We go to Castle Park and don't do much because it's mostly closed.  We do get a small souvenir though.  We head out and as I'm thinking about whether to do it or not, she grabs my hand.  I'm confused at first.  Then I roll with it.  We get back in my truck and sit and talk for a while.  When she notices my white socks, she let's me know I should get some black socks.  I tell her I know I should but haven't had much opportunity.  Then I remember that I have some gift cards for Target.  And Target is just down the street.  So I tell her we're going to Target.  And we go.  I get my socks.  "Pizza Hut...."  "Are you hungry?"  "Yes!"  "Okay, we'll go for food after this."   So we do.  Good food.  Good conversation.  We head out.  And then he comes up.  She's having issues in life and he is a part of them.  We talk about it.  I give her a hug.  And something happens.  I'm not sure what.  But it's big.  "It'll be okay.  God's will be done.  You'll be okay and it'll all work out."  Kiss on the cheek.  Nice.  Crazy.  Good?  I take her home and have some more intense conversation about the situation.  Leave with a hug.  go home.  Go to bed.

Wake up.  Finish putting presentation together.  Get ready and leave for the church offices.  I get there AT my appointment time.  I have to wait around a bit, but that's okay.  I go in with Pastor Neil and we sit and I start to tell him about Sandals Health Club.  it goes well.  And I'm very glad that I noticed the sign that said don't be redundant when talking with Neil.  It's a go.  I'm working on pulling people together right now, because I know it needs to be done.  It'll still be a while before it get's going, but I know it's going so I'm working on it.  After that, I go and get some lunch.  It's a really late lunch.  But it's ooooh so good.  I do some praying.  I do some reading of my bible.  I head off to help set up for wednesday night.  I get there at the same time as Justin and we start.  I tell him what's going on and how it's all confusing.  And  I don't get much input from him other than be careful and pray.  So we finish set up and I head off to pick her up.  We get there right as Justin is finishing up his speech about speech.(hahahahaha)  I go up with her to get her into a group.  I'm pretty much a jerk about the whole situation all night.  We do group.  We hang out.  We head off.  On the way home, we talk about us, about the fact that I was a jerk, and music and......  So we get back to her place and we park and sit for a while.  Conversation picks back up again.  A challenge is issued.  And I accept.  She cries.  I hold her.  Then I get this inkling.  This notion.  I ask for the will of God in all this.  I get it again.  I question God about it.  It comes back nearly audible.  One last time I ask for God's will.  "I told you"  So a kiss.  Sweet.  Short.  Leading to some more.  No hands grabbing.  No grinding.  Just the kiss.  "I can still remember just the way you taste."  Why?  I felt led to.  Why would this be a leading?  I don't know.  I'll ask God when I meet him face to face.  Until then, all I have is my belief that I was led by the spirit.  So we finish off the conversation with my promise to get a battering ram.  "I know where I can get a big one.  I figure since God made the universe, He could supply me with a pretty good one."  I leave and go home.  Go to bed.

 I wake up with a phone call from Megan.  And we talk for a bit.  Then we move it to AIM because it's easier to talk with people there while you check your email rather than holding a phone.  so while there, I see my friend online and we start talking as well.  I decide to meet up with him for lunch or something because I haven't seen him in a while.  So I get off get a shower and all that and head off to meet him.  I pick him up at his house and we go to Lowes to apply for a job because we both need one.  Then we go to the church offices again because my sister wants to talk to me and I heard about internships there.  So we're there and we're there for a while.  I eat my sandwich that I brought and fill out the app and we chat with people there about all these various things.  Then I get a text messege.  "we broke"  I'm like "what does that mean?"  So I ask and I find out and I'm like "WHAT?!"  So I go and call her.  And I find out that now the situation isn't one way but another way that's  completely weirder and actually a bit harder to deal with.  So we talk a bit and I pray.  Then I finish my day with my friend and go back to my sister's place and we talk for a bit.  About this mainly.  Then I head home and meet her on AIM like she wanted and we talk some more.  She mostly says she wants to help him and know concretely what to do about all this.  I mostly say get out of the way and let God work and Pray for His will in all this because that'll be best.

And now, after typing all that out, here's where I'm at:
I want something that it's definitely not time for even if it's in His will.
I need to really sit in the quiet and think all this through.
I need to really pray about all this.
I need to really just sit in God's presence and focus on what His will is.
I need to do some serious reading of the bible.

I'm on pause with all other people right now.  I really need time alone for this.  I'll seek the counsil of some trusted friends in a couple days, but for now, after I sleep, I will just go to God with all this and see what's up.  And with all this, I bid you farewell.

The art of kissing/I need a battering ram

I look at that title and it seems like I've seen it before.  Maybe I have.  I dunno.

I don't know what to write.  But I feel that I should.  It hasn't even been a week.  I wasn't looking for it.  I was just trying to do what I know I should do.  "How am I going to mix this?"  So unassuming.  "Try it.  Make sure you get a big glop."

I miss it already.  What is this?  It's totally different.  I'm glad it was her and not her.  I'm tired again.  I'm thinking that I should go to bed.  And I will.

utter......huh?

So today was interesting.  Life has thrown me an inside curve ball with some major heat and a wicked up-swoop.  As is my custom with such things, I roll with it and then after I'm done rolling and I have time to sit and think, I ask myself, "What the &$%^ just happened?"

And I'm falling asleep at the keyboard so I'm gonna go to bed.  I'll do this tomorrow if I remember.

The games we play/ why some relationships suck

Lack of communication.  Unwillingness to tell it like it is.  Ass-like stubbornness in the following of "the rules".

For years, I did little to no interaction with others because I didn't know "the rules".  And it sucked not hanging out like a normal person.  So I started hanging out, even though I didn't know the rules.  I figured I'd be able to pick them up.  But no.  I haven't been able to learn them.  I've even straight out asked people, and no one has ever given a straight answer.  And in my two years of being sociable I've come to the following conclusion:  The Rules don't exist.  Why do we follow something that doesn't exist?  I don't think that I'll ever know.

So here's what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna go and just talk with people.  I'm gonna be with people.  And I'm gonna do what I want to do, basically.  I'll keep in mind feelings and things of that nature, but I will say something that makes you uncomfortable.  So be ready for it.  Because I only have one rule that I follow.  And that is "be real or be sealed".

More evidence of my slowness

So, I don't know when it happened, I really don't.  And I'm not going to go look it up.  Because if I did, I'm scared that I would get completely pissed about something that I can't do anything about.  Virginia Tech.  It just hit me today.  And really it wasn't intended.  I was just being my usual, selfish self.  Cruising youtube and getting my laughs on.  Then I notice that someone I'm subscribed to posted a video on the subject.  It hit me.  It hit me hard.

Why does it take pain to get our attention?  Why....does the world have to destroy itself?  I know the answer.  At least part of it.  We are a fallen people.  And this fact drives me crazy on a daily basis.  I like what sXe Phil said though.  What we need to do right now is not hate the person that did the wrong thing.  We need to love the people that fell victim to his evil act.  How do we love them?  I don't know.  I almost feel bad that all these things happen far away from me.  Because I can't go there and help.  I don't know how I'd help, but I'd try.  But here, where I'm at, so far away from the incident, there's only one thing that I can really think of to do.  And that is pray.  Prayer is powerful.  It's the most powerful tool we have as Christians.  So that's what I'm gonna go do.  You all should probably do the same.

Carne Asada and Hormones

Today was the AX Con Ops BBQ. What that means isn't entirely relevent to the story though, so don't fret. As I was driving home from this BBQ, a couple thoughts formed in my mind. One, I did a few things I shouldn't have done. Two, how does any of this glorify God?

That thought slapped me in the face like a slab of raw beef. So that's where I'm at right now. I have to get up extra early and I have to shower before bed, so I'm gonna leave ya'll with that for tonight. And, no, I still haven't figured out the scenario solution yet. Just in case any of you are wondering.

quick thoughts before bed

I'm tired. It's late. I have to get up early tomorrow for an event that I don't want to go to.

So, I'm at a friend's house right now and really wishing I was home. If I was home, I could sleep in my own warm bed and not have to sleep on that smelly couch. But, alas, I've committed myself to this thing. I should probably BE committed for doing so. Bed time now. Samuel is tired.

This is a first

So, I was playing a scenario in my head as I was in the half sleep/half awake stage this morning. And for the first time ever, I couldn't put together a solution to it. It vexed me so much that I was roused rather uncomfortably into full awake-ness. I still can't put together something that would work. So, for possible entertainment purposes, and maybe to help me find the solution, I shall write the scenario down here.

Someone important to me gets kidnapped because a group of people wants to get at me for some reason. They tell me that to get the person back I have to cook them something. I ponder the idea of poisening whatever I cook, but then it occurs to me that they'd probably make me eat some, so I throw that idea out. Then I meet with some other people that want to help me. So we start putting together a plan to have the bad people meet us on our turf so that we can controll everything, but they will not budge. I have to take my food by myself to where they want me to go. So I make some curry and I take the pot to where they want me to meet them. As I'm walking along the path I'm noticing the structure of the building. It's like I'm walking in very dense scaffolding. And the pipes make it rather confusing so I have to kind of focus on the walkway so that I don't accidentally walk into a bar. It was at this point that I woke up completely.

And now I can't even create an environment where I might be able to figure something out, even though I now have complete creative control over the story. It's rather weird. I guess it's because of the limitations already written into the scenario. One, I'm just myself. No superpowers. No special fighting skills. I just have my pot of curry and my wits, which aren't that sharp as a lot of people know. And then, all I know is this walkway. The door I came through was automated so I haven't seen any real people. So I can't read them. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess I could've hid something in the pot of curry that I could've used, but it's too late in the story for that. I dunno. I'm thinking that I'll have to come back to this. Maybe later tonight.

I have nothing

So, I'm supposed to be calling people right now, but I don't have a contact list. Someone said that they would send it to me, and they haven't. It's rather frusterating. There should be a list of about ten staffers or so. And I don't have it. Oh well. It'll all work out I guess. Some how.

I've finally figured out what to do for my presentation. All I have is a plan and a passion. So that's what I'll show. I don't need fancy presentations. I should be sure to make a packet to give to Neal though. And that'll be fairly simple to do. It's mostly done anyway.

I'd try and come up with something profound to share with you all right now, but I'm enjoying my music too much.

There's something about music. Some people don't get it. But music has power.
It can make tough guys cry. It can make sad children laugh. And for those of us with few emotions, it's really the only way to draw those few emotions out short of something drastic happening in our lives. And I know that in the past couple weeks, it's really helped me figure out where I should be and what I should be doing, as well as helping me stay where I should be. It's really interesting. Perhaps science should study this phenomenon. But if they did that, the magic would be gone. So maybe they shouldn't. I think a little bit of magic is needed in life.

With this in mind, it's sort of interesting to look at the subject matter in songs. There are quite a few songs about break-ups that are up beat. Why would someone do this? Possibly to make fun of the depressing slow songs about break-ups. OR possibly to ease the pain of a break-up they went through. Then look at all the songs about love or unrequitted love. Is it coincidence that the area of life with the strongest emotions would have the most songs about it? I think not. But this subject has been talked about to death. I should probably drop it. I'm not a musician anyway.

I love Joss Stone's voice. It's deep and throaty. It's not a voice you'd accociate with pop music. I dunno. It's just nice to hear a voice that doesn't sound super processed in the pop scene. Of course, maybe it is and I can't tell. I don't know. I prefer to think that it's her voice though. Hmmm.....maybe I'll type a little bit for each new song I go through. That could be a fun way to kill an evening.


WAAA....I like that song. Leann Rimes. WOOT! Can't fight the Moonlight. WOOOOT! That's all I can say for that one. It's sooooo good. I think it qualifies for being called delicious.

Okay. I'm done. I'm too distracted by other things now. bye bye.

So.....

If you were to look at my life at the surface level right now, it might look like I have no hope unless I get a job soon. But I'm not hopeless. After tonight and conversing with some friends, my stress is vanished. YAY! I still have a crap load of things to do, but I'm not stressin' over it. And now I'm going to bed so that my physical stress levels don't skyrocket. check ya later.

it's cram time

So I need to have a presentation ready for tomorrow and I have no idea what to put together for it. I have an idea for a logo type thing, but nothing really other than that. Anyhoo.....

I'm hoping that I might be able to get some inspiration or some help at group tonight. Always look on the bright side of life. It'll get taken care of. YAY!

my brain is rather drull right now. If I were to just sit here, like I want to, one might think I was stoned. But I'm not, I swear. ha.ha.ha.

I'm kind of bored now. But at the same time I don't really want to do anything. I haven't felt like this in ages. Oh well. I've been struggling with bitterness lately. It's been really draining actually. And I don't know if there's anything I can do about it other than pray. It springs from a constant sense of the haves with holding from the have-nots. It's kind of hard to not be bitter when you feel like you're constantly getting screwed over. But I should leave this topic before I become consumed by it.

My knee has really been hurting me this week. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was all the running about and dancing on sunday. I dunno. I did go up and down those stairs quite a bit. WOOT! Huzzah for Pipeline! If I had a job like that, I wouldn't need to join an exercise group. Maybe I will someday. I dunno. It's all in God's hands now. I really don't know why I'm hungry. I shouldn't be. But I called it. I ate lunch at 11:30 and campared that to my breakfast time. And I told myself, I'm gonna be hungry at 3:30. And it's 3:30 and I'm hungry. Of course maybe I'm hungry because I told myself I would be. I dunno. It's one of those situation that you can't analyze too much or else you'll go insane.

I contemplated what it would be like to get myself an artificial knee the other day. It would probably be nice to not havethe joint pain anymore. But that would cost me somewhere around......45,000 dollars. Or something. I don't feel like looking it up. The point is, I can't afford it and probably never will. I hate not having money. "the want of money is the cause of many kinds of evil." I should probably watch myself closely on this issue. I'm gonna go take a nap.

Samuel VS. The World/The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

So, I got off the phone with my dad a few minutes ago. And he's honestly trying to help me out because he doesn't want me to end up like he was. I can understand and respect that. But what he's telling me to do, just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I mean, I need a job. I DESPERATELY need a job. But I have some things that have priority over that. Things like The Sandals Health Club. Well, that's all there really is right now, but it's a pretty big thing. Why I didn't share all this with him, I don't know. I probably should have. But something tells me it wouldn't have worked.

And I'm at a point where I can't figure out what to do next. Well, I know WHAT to do, I don't quite know HOW to do it. I need a pretty package and I can't quite figure out how to make it. Maybe sleep will help. I am quite tired.

The one thing that I have left is a life to give in service to God. When looking at it that way, it really does seem like a lot. With that thought, I'm off to bed.

Blogging: my antidrug

So I was sitting here looking at my computer wondering what to do. And the only thing that came to mind that seemed halfway constructive was blogging. I mean, I havea presentation that I need to put together, but I can't really think of anything to do with it right now. All the ideas and thoughts are down. The only thing left is to make it into a presentation. So that's where I'm at. And now I havet o go cook. yay for me.

So, the only thing on your mind right now is sex.

Thanks to Los for providing me with that rather humorous quote. I laughed at the sheer truth of it when I saw it in a video on his blog. If you haven't, you should check out his blog. It's over on the left there. Ragamuffin Soul.

I actually have a number of things on my mind. The first thing I'll talk about is REAL-NESS. I've been trying to get this down. I don't think any of us will ever get it quite right. Sometimes we'll really rock at it. Others, well, leeches will have nothing on our suckage. The nice thing about it though is that if someone else is real with us then we are compelled to be real with them. At least, that's how I am. But my main issue is what to share and what to keep to myself. I don't want to share everything because that would definitely cause problems. But I have a feeling I should share more than I do. I don't really know where the lines go. So I figured I could just start throwing things out that are on my mind and see what happens. So if you see me and I mention something that makes you uncomfortable, let me know. If you think something I say is totally inappropriate, tell me. I'm learning here.

The second thing is, Giving up. Not giving up this fight, but giving up my life in order to save it. Now that I've finally decided to face the enemy and do some fighting, I realize that there are a lot of things that I need to drop. When you're running, you're usually carrying a lot of things. Hopes, ambitions, desires, ideas, past burdens, doubt, and other things. I finally realize what was being said when John Eldredge mentioned the guy foregoing his own life in order to fight for it. I have to give up everything I'm holding on to. I have to push through everything and come out with bare essentials. Everything else will hold me back. So what are the bare essentials? God, Faith, Truth, Righteousness, Salvation, the Word, and a will that mirrors His. These are all I need. Everything else will fall into place. That's a promise given to us. On paper, it looks so easy.

Third, problem solving. I've been noticing quite a few problems. And I've been trying to put together solutions to them. I'm not going to be able to do it on my own though. I have to keep in mind different ages though. And different maturities. That just occurred to me. And it adds another element to something that's already pretty complicated. But this series is perfect for moving some of these puzzle pieces around. I've gotta get on the freaking ball.

For the fourth, I was gonna put "girl is on my mind". But that's not true at all at this moment. It was a little bit ago, but not at all right now. I mean, she's still there, but in a totally different way. I dunno. It's rather interesting.

I'll be having lunch with a friend tomorrow. It should be pretty sweet. I haven't seen him in a few months. I need to talk to him about a few things. YAY!

I gotta sleep. Goodnight.

first official post....YAY!

I know there's a post before this, but this is the first post while this is my official blog. That sentence just confused me. Moving on.

I had a thought about Arch Nemesese and Heros. Heros usually aquire their main bad guys early in their career. And it struck me how that is true for us as well. As soon as we accept Christ, not only do we gain one Arch Nemesis, but THREE. And it is their job to cause us pain. It is their job to go against us for their own gain. So when everything seems like it's against you, it pretty much is. But don't forget this. NEVER forget this. God is on our side. And when He is for us, who can be against us.

So that's it for now. I'll probably have more later. Ta for now.

You and Me

I think I'm gonna like being back on blogger. I like the set-up better. And it has a spell checker. YAY!

So, for people that might be wondering what that's about....I've been blogging on MySpace for a while. I decided to come back here when it hit me that if my blog is here, it's easier for people to run into. And I'll feel more like a member of a community, oddly enough. My real hot and heavy thoughts have been typed out tonight on my MySpace blog and I don't feel like reposting them. If you're interested, myspace.com/n3k1dsk1llz

Of course, most of the initial readers of this blog will probably be people that move from there to here. So I don't really know how much good what I just did will do.

But yeah, as I was typing out the post on myspace this evening, I came to the conclusion that I needed to move to a more public venue. I don't remember all the reasoning behind it. But yeah, I'm here now. YAY!!